3 years sober: what I've learned

Three years of learning, a lifetime to go...

Wow… I cannot believe I celebrated 3 years of sobriety on November 28. Since I got sober, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and questioned my existence. When you get sober, a part of you dies that has dominated your entire soul for a long time. You feel reborn, but it’s not very pretty at first. It might feel like you’re a naked mole rat in the middle of Alaska: blind, vulnerable, disoriented, cold, and lost. But eventually, you learn to adapt and create a new life that has much more meaning than the one half-experienced in a haze.

 #1 - I didn’t “find myself” like I wanted to

When I got sober for the last time, I had this vision of “finding myself”. Kind of like the story of Eat, Pray Love, I yearned for that Elizabeth Gilbert journey where I blossom after divorce and experience spaghetti like the Lord Himself cooked it. No, none of that happened. I cried, kicked, screamed, and kept asking God what the point of staying sober was. I was stretching one arm out to the future, while looking back at the past. I made no progress until I forced my head forward. I didn’t find myself because there was no one there to find. Addiction took every tangible thing from me, and I was left in an empty apartment with a bottle and a thunderstorm of confusion as to who I truly was. I was on an exhausting, never-ending journey to “finding” someone who was not there anymore. That was the most beautiful lesson I learned from sobriety; I did not find myself, I created it. She is much better than the version I thought I needed to find.

#2 - Relapse prevention plans are vital, not optional

Three years later, I still make sure not to get too cocky. No amount of sobriety chips, celebrations, blog posts, and tattoos will keep me sober - I WILL. That is where I need to remember that I am human. Cravings, triggers, and tragedies happen in life. I am not immune to wanting to drink, and that is okay. It is critical to remember that relapse can happen, even after 10, 20, 50 years of sobriety. I practice caution with phrases like “I don’t even think about it anymore” or “It’s not an option for me anymore”. As amazing as it feels saying that, I need to remember that sobriety is something that I need to work on daily, since it’s SO much more than purely ‘not drinking’. It’s having a plan in place when that smell of bourbon causes a flashback, or something happens that feels impossible to cope with. It’s a toolbox to reach into during tough times and looks different for everyone.

#3 - Change is within me, not outside of me

Just like a said before, no amount of outside treasures or celebrations truly make that shift inside. The feeling of sobriety is different than just ‘not drinking’. You feel this change within yourself when it becomes a part of who you are; something you are proud of. It is different for everyone, but when I felt the shift was my response to being offered a drink recently. Instead of brushing it off with “not today”, “no thank you”, or “I don’t drink”, I proudly say “I am actually a recovering alcoholic”. I caught myself in that moment, because I was not afraid of the reactions I get from that statement anymore. I didn’t lie, or cover up that huge part of my new life. I now say it with my head held high, in hopes I might inspire someone who hears me five feet away.

#4 - Sobriety is an act of self-love I practice daily

Why do we drink? The answers I usually hear are to "have more fun”, “be more social”, “ease anxiety”, “not feel feelings”, “distract me”… Most of these answers are for one single goal: we want to erase our present moment and the uncomfortable feelings surrounding it. Life is meant to be lived moment by moment, and it is something that needs to be practiced daily. In a world of distractions, we need to choose ourselves each passing day. You are the only person that is with you every second of your life; learn to love your own company.

#5 - I didn't have trouble making friends

Sobriety is more common than it may seem. At first, I avoided socializing and kept to myself for the first year of sobriety. When I moved to Texas, I decided to talk more about my story for those who wanted to hear. To my surprise, I have had not ONE negative reaction. Some of my neighbors were thrilled to hear that the 20-something-year-olds that moved in next door aren’t drinkers. Making friends was easy, and I learned that not every date with the girls has to be over bottles of booze. It could be lunch at the pizzeria, thrifting, learning how to make charcuterie, or experimenting with mocktail recipes. I have had people open up to me about their own experiences and how alcohol has impacted their families, and others who were sober-curious. I recreated and reintroduced myself to others. I also reintroduced myself to, well, myself. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror when I opened myself up to the idea of having a life without liquor. I had no idea I was extroverted. I had no idea I could not only hold down a job, but find one I love doing every day. I had no idea I had a place in this world, and that I can be a light in it. 

I could picture God’s crossed arms, laughing, and head shaking… “Girl, this is what I’ve been trying to show you”.